Violence 101

Or, as one of the group’s Rubies would like it to be titled, “Grab and Twist.”

This semester has been sort of one long hell-scream for me; filled with panic, projects, an upcoming move, and the questionable choice to pull a weekly all-nighter. (Something that will no doubt take a good two years off of my lifespan.)

But through it all, there has been a shining light of divinity on the entire thing:

The self defense class.

Twice a week, I meet with a team of like-minded women on an indoor soccer field made of rubber and plastic, and we fulfill the solemn purpose of beating the ever-loving crap out of each other.

This has been absolutely wonderful for a number of reasons (like learning how to defend myself), but the real kicker is that I come from a roughhousing home, and not being able to attack my roommates has been utterly brutal for me.

Having a designated hour where I am not only allowed but encouraged to wrestle someone bodily to the ground has filled that hole quite nicely.

It also helps that the class has been separated into three teams, and my team has bonded easily and now is clearly having the best time out of everyone. Each morning when it’s time to warm up, about two or three girls from the other teams are there—alongside the entirety of my team.

The only possible downside is that I know one day I’m going to get attacked for real, and slip into encouraging partner mode—“great, but try using both arms for the choke. Yeah, much more effective.” and then I’m going to die. But at least I’ll leave them with a weighty sense of confusion when I do.

Highlights from the class:

• Everyone’s collective shudder when Coach taught us to gouge someone’s eyes
• Occasionally slipping into a thick jersey accent to more effectively play the attacker, culminating in a hearty “MY BWALLS!” when the defender succeeds
• That day that was essentially just a no-holds-barred brawl to stay inside of a designated square
• Very cheerful partners going “hello!” “hey girl!” before launching into kidnapping tactics on each other
• Learning my bear hugs are more soothing than scary

Downsides from the class:

• Finding little black rubber pellets in every single seam of both my clothing and body, hours after class. I am going to be buried with at least two of those tucked away somewhere, I swear
• I still really want to attack my roommates, but this time I worry it would be effective

Anyway, shoutout to my team. You made it onto the blog, guys! My parting wisdom for you: go for the balls.